Our Stories- How They Shape Us and How We Can Rewrite Them

Our Stories- How They Shape Us and How We Can Rewrite Them

Creating boundaries within family dynamics can be tricky, and doesn’t always feel comfortable, so i hope this encourages those who are choosing to forgive but not allowing that behavior to be in your life and affect who you show up to be. - fully you.

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Our Stories shape us, can redirect us, affect how we react and think, and often time leaves us stagnant when we live in those past stories.

One incredible thing about our brains is we have the ability to rewire, and rewrite our stories in a way that we can create what works for us and what no longer serves us. And it’s never to late to heal and start re-writing those stories.

I read an incredible book right after some conversations surrounding healing/forgiveness/boundaries/and moving past the hurt and it came at a very divinely perfect time to crash into one another and overlap.

For me personally, I have done a LOT of inner work, starting with recognizing the issues, seeking counselors and mentors, being curious about my reactions and thoughts that come from them and why, allowing to sit in those feelings and then ultimately taking action to allow to see myself more clearly and changing the story as one that shaped me for a while but not allowing it to continue to.

I really wanted to address a topic today of the stories that shape us and what forgiveness might look like outside of a healthy relationship because so often the person setting boundaries can look like the bad guy, the cold hearted one, or one who’s not forgiving, when in reality it sets up healthy boundaries in a way to not relive the story, not encourage or allow toxic behavior and forgive while also re-writing the future story so we don’t have to stay stuck.

First, I fully believe in forgiving even without any apology, confrontation, action from the other side or any acknowledgment of behavior- of course the ideal situation is healthy ones where behavior is acknowledged, hopefully a change of heart or recognizing what hurt was happening, and even asking for an apology, but that’s not often the case in toxic relationships.

I fully believe that forgiveness is for the person forgiving and not the person being forgiven , it releases us from burden, further hurt, and allows us to start healing so the person that is in need to be forgiven doesn’t have a strong hold as we move forward and no longer take on the victim mentality from the accuser.

However, in my personal experience, I have seen said person who has hurt SO many people in years not just being forgiven, but then the accused allowing them back in their life without ever acknowledging the hurt, circumstance, wounds, apology, or moving forward with intention of doing better. This is something that has popped up time and time again and almost fired me up when I see others in the same predicament and sometimes my family allowing this behavior to continue by attaching “I’m just being a good Christian and forgiving them” to it. And yes, forgiveness is absolutely the correct thing to do, but condoning a behavior by not addressing a toxic character is also a form of toxicity.

I’m going to dig into my personal experience just a little to drive this point home in example, but I understand this could look vastly different as to why you have decided to put an arm length between you and someone possibly in your family.

My biological dad has hurt a lot of people in some very extensive ways- for quite a few years he even hasn’t spoken to most of his kids- for me personally it’s been at least 7 years.

When incidents started coming out years ago I started seeking counselors and got diagnosed quickly with depression and anxiety as I tried to take on the healer and trying to heal his hurts. However after a couple years, I saw how much his toxic behavior was affecting me and I took an arms length approach- after I got married- it furthered especially when my now ex husband expressed that each time I’d get off the phone- he noticed how hurt, wounded, and how I’d cry and feel horrible about myself. I started distancing slightly but always open, until he continued to create those scenarios and hurt more people And also never take responsibility, ask for forgiveness, acknowledge any issues in the relationships around him. I’ve seen several mentors, counselors, read endless self help books and realize that generational curses are HUGE and for my mental health I have to stay on top of healthy habits and create an environment that is healthy too.

I know it seems vague but there’s just far too much at this point to explain what he’s done- but I’ll skip to my heart fully forgiving him. He has no stronghold, I don’t care his opinion on the life I’ve built because he’s not in it, I can look back fully appreciative for the life I had growing up, the lessons, vacations, and family I was surrounded with. I’m thankful for the life I had, but now as an adult I am choosing forgiveness but also and here’s one of the important parts- not allowing his toxic behavior.

I think so often- especially in a christian home we are pounded with the information about forgiveness, especially family, especially parents. I absolutely have forgiven the things he’s done to me and don’t even have anger towards him- I wish him the best- BUT allowing him to not confront his past actions, words, wounds, and behaviors all while trying to continue a relationship with him? Absolutely not. Doing this is telling the accuser what he did isn’t just forgiven but the ones he hurt and won’t acknowledge are in the wrong, in short it’s condoning the continual behavior that is toxic and allowing him not to confront allll the things he did. I don’t crave shallow relationships with people, especially with family- and I refuse to allow someone in my life who 1- doesn’t want to be there but 2- if they continue to wound, hurt, and are toxic to the entire family, I will not seek a deep relationship with them - not because of my lack of forgiveness, but because it shallows the wounds of the family members that are dealing with hurt. And to me it’s completely dismissive of the people he has wronged in a big way, so although there’s no “sides” being taken, it’s taking a side of condoning that behavior.

I can see the hurt around me in family of those who still desire and crave a meaningful relationship with someone who continues to hurt them, where he has not been accountable, where he’s taken no account of actions, and where he won’t even acknowledge the toxic behavior.

I’m extremely lucky for many things.

1- I had a dad growing up and at the time was blinded to the toxic behavior and generational curses that I now have endured.

2- that when he left my life in a big way, I was stable in who I was, where I was going.

3- that my step dad is an incredible father figure and one I can rely on in any situation. He’s someone I can tell the good and bad to, my mess ups, my falling down, and my rising.

4- that I did seeking out of mentors and counselors throughout the years that diagnosed me, allowed me space, and now I am able to continue a healthy mindset. But it’s one I work on every day.

5- I have no anger towards him. If he reached out at any time, I’d be kind, but for the sake of not only myself but my entire family, I will not seek out a relationship with someone who is so hurtful in SO many ways.

6-i have a few good men in my life with treat me well, and are there. You know who you are.

This definitely isn’t a pity party, I’m completely aware and acknowledge I was privileged to have a safe family dynamic growing up, and one I felt loved in, but like most people- it wasn’t perfect although to touch on how great my mom is.. she’s pretty close.

I was getting fired up when other family members were seeking my biological dad out in the name of being a Christian instead of forgiving, showing grace but then creating boundaries that are healthy and expose the toxic issues that were turned into generational curses. Healing with someone always feels better, when the person who has hurt you can apologize and they want in your life, and that’s what we all want, but often times, that’s not what we will receive. We won’t get the validation that we seek, and so healing apart looks different than healing with.

It’s protecting a dysfunctional system - I’m not staying silent and complacent and be part of this unhealthy system. But If you admit how dysfunctional it is, you’d have to confront some big issues, to take accountability of the hurts and no longer blame my bio dad. I no longer have any complaints about my issues tied to directly him. My issues are just that, I take responsibility, but even subconsciously protecting the dysfunctional system is by allowing it to continue. That’s protecting the person who has ACTUALLY caused the problem.

I think back deeply to my Christian roots, I think about the action I took personally to forgive, give chances, show grace, and try to create peace with- but there has been so many hurts and continue- that I can forgive from afar, always know the truth in my faith, be kind, but unsupportive of dysfunctional relationships that end in toxic situations.

This is a very personal subject but I wanted to touch on those boundaries we create and how often the person creating the boundaries is often seen as the problem, instead of addressing what the problem and toxic traits are- and when we ignore it, we are allowing it, we allow it from that person, we allow them to continue to hurt us and others, and we allow those generational issues to continue instead of creating boundaries and putting a stop to the toxic traits and focusing on creating health in our family. Those things carry into our relationships with our spouse, ourselves and our self esteem, it carries into the kids that we then bring up, and continues all around us.

I don’t believe in unconditional love as humans except in a few cases - . I believe in conditions, just like you wouldn’t allow your spouse to cheat and cheat- that’s a condition. You wouldn’t allow certain behaviors but for some reason we see it as godly when we allow behaviors to hurt us affect us and move through us to the next generation all in the name of forgiveness.

Forgiveness does not mean allowing behavior. Forgiveness means to let go of the hurt and anger over time, so that the person doesn’t have a strong hold on you and you are no longer a victim under them so you can rewrite the story surrounding how you think and move independently from the situation.

Allowing someone back in your life at the same capacity in which they hurt you seems extremely foolish to me- and the best thing I can do is love hard, love God but also live a life I’m called to- not concerning myself with someone who not only doesn’t care about being in my life but has hurt me in the past and so many of my family members. I’m always an open door- I’ll allow for conversations and even more so if they were greeted with acknowledging of poor behavior but without changed behavior, the capacity to which he used to be in my life, cannot take place- it feels too much like disrespecting the people who he has continued to hurt not at an arm’s length- the ones who still desire his affirmation.

Part of a conditional love for me is boundaries. I’m perfectly okay with being seen as the one who’s cold, even though I feel the like I’m one who is warm because of my boundaries. I have forgiven, don’t need his validation, always open to conversation, but I’m not allowing toxic behaviors to continue to be at the forefront. I have noticed what that does in my own relationships by allowing those to affect me, so I let go of hurt years ago.

My hope is that if you are feeling alone in creating boundaries and potentially even seen as the bad guy because you aren’t seeking a deep relationship with a family member, you feel not alone. The best thing you can do is forgive, absolutely, but then there’s even bigger steps of disassembling the generation hurts, wounds, and healing so you don’t carry those burdens and emotions- you can feel and know that you are free from needing validation from a source that simply won’t give it to you the way you have desired. That’s when you know you’re in a healthy place, and that’s is peace giving, joy receiving.

It’s not a linear process, I see and feel things that have been in my family for years, but with my faith and also the help of staying on top of mental health I am aware and can course correct.

Forgiveness is a practice, it’s the thing that will allow YOU to move on, take responsibility and starting to create boundaries because they don’t have a stronghold on your heart. It’s the first step, but it’s not the last, it’s a continual practice to then work on ourselves takes responsibility for our next actions and allow us to create healthy boundaries- boundaries aren’t something I create with people who accidentally hurt you (like a signifiant other that is a GREAT significant other) it’s not a way to hold something over someone’s head, to have power or create tension and grudges, boundaries are what you should create but they should look more strict with people who refuse to get better and acknowledge their part in a toxic environment. It’s saving you from continual hurt, it’s not pushing someone away. And it’s not doing so just for attention, it’s truly out of practicing for YOURSELF a healthy mindset and future.

It can be such an intense scary practice to start and painful and lonely too- as we confront our own beliefs and behaviors from stories we experienced but also the ones we tell from what we experienced, and it’s important to remember to give permission to allow those hard feelings and understand how they still affect us.

The book I stumbled upon made it more clear of some steps to take to make that happen, because healing is such a hard topic to really get into the details of what that looks like and how to accomplish that or at least practice it.

So back to your stories and how we can rewrite them as forgiveness is apart of that. The Book “Already Enough” had such a clear way of explaining and I’m going to take what she said and say a way to re-write is to become mindful- being aware of that stories we carry, being curious- of why the story is there and digging deeper, self compassion- allowing grace in midst of challenge, accepting the hard feelings and allows to be WITH what we experience. This is the sitting with the feelings parity, then aligned action- which is living new stories, creating new habits with gentle discipline, self responsibility and leading to healing in which we no longer blame, project or displace our responsibility. And until we do the inner work, relationships will mirror the work you haven’t done within. (That hit me) and one way she explained we do this is with confirmation bias (and why people continue those relationships with toxic people) because we are finding confirmation of what we belief is the truth- validating those beliefs and in turn it makes it challenging to see through a different lens as we haven’t created boundaries.

She gave this really intense example about family history impacting us biologically, the example was Holocaust survivors children and lower cortisol in these studies- able to respond to stress better. I took this as a very real way to understand that generational characteristics, mindsets, reactions, and history can be passed down in big ways- so when we condone the behavior and don’t confront it in ourselves, it can arise more issues in our surrounding relationships.

I’m not saying any of this is easy, it’s not. It’s extremely hard to confront the why’s, the deeper meaning, become responsible for your actions then rewriting a story that is one that’s not bettering yourself but it’s becoming who you were again. It’s hard because we prioritize comfort over challenge- think of any healthy habit, it’s hard and when it’s not comfortable we resort to what is. but when you’re aware, you can shift the habits with practice and it’s not YOU that needs fixing it’s the story you told yourself of why you’re that way and that it’s just how it is.

Grief is another big part of healing and one that especially Christians seems to put very little heart into when someone comes to them- we hear “everything happens for a reason” and give advice on how to get over it- but grief is a big part of healing, it’s the part that allows us to understand the why but sit there in it, giving permission to feel angry or hurt, and sometimes if you’re letting go of someone in he same way- grieving how the relationship was or grieving how you wanted it to be. A quote I came across was the curios paradox is when I accept myself as I am, then I can change” carl rogers.

The point of healing= as the author is to accept who we are and live into our fulness. It’s not hiding, making ourselves smaller, or living behind stories that leave us stagnant. It’s our fulness, and she also said these words- you discover your purpose when you’re fully yourself which is to BE fully yourself. It enriches your own life but also enriches the world around you.

Healing for me as been years of work (in a good way) I have become more of who I’ve always been, telling my stories and re-writing the ones that at one point caused so much pain and hurt are now tools of experience left as a scar and no longer a wound. It doesn’t happen overnight, and there were some lonely and painful hurts I had to confront but it leaves me more aligned to have found my purpose again as God called me to be, me. Fully me.