Laughing, Crying, but Mostly Loving.- With Starla Scheinman
Today’s episode is extra dear to my heart because I have Starla Scheinman /my mom who has helped inspire me in each part of my life and she’s here today in a way to freeze time so I have this story forever.
As we spoke about the people in our lives, Starla wanted to make sure to thank her wonderful supportive husband Bob, and her kids Tara, Crissie, Chad, Shanna, and sweet Ronda for whom we’ll be telling the story of today. Especially to Tara and Crissie as they were around for this part of the journey too through Ronda’s birth and life and Starla’s heart feels SO full to have them and love. And to each family member for the the years of love, growth, and continued relationships that are cherished so.
Follow The Shine Podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or IHeartradio
Follow and reach out to Starla on Instagram
I’d love for you to dive into the story of Ronda Davista.
Starla-Year was 1983, and i was 23 years old and i found out i was going to have my first baby. To say i was elated was an understatement. i started to eat the right foods and even joined an aerobics class. You feel like you need to take care of yourself extra-well at the time with my pink leg warmers. I began preparing her room and furnished it with darling furniture. as the day turned to days and weeks and months, and my excitement began to accelerate, i was so ready. Then late Tuesday after, November 1st, my labor began and in the middle of the name, excruciating back pain. The doctor came into my room and checked to see how far i was, and when he did he had the strangest look on his face. I thought maybe the baby was turned, he immediately though called for two nurses to have x-rays taken. I didn’t know all the ins and outs since it was my first baby, but knew it wasn’t normal. In the elevator, i tried to make conversation with the nurses, but they wouldn’t answer my questions, so i became worried. The doctor returned and he told us the most devastating news, that my heart has ever had to deal with. He said “ your baby will not be able to cope with life.” She would most likely not live for more than a week. well to say my heart was broken doesn’t even come close to how i was feeling, but to explain how immense it was, my labor stopped right there. i remember crying with the most uncontrollable sobs and the doctor left us to give us time to grieve and to begin with ache that couldn’t be fixed. eventually he returned and said he needed to give medicine to start the labor again as this precious baby needed to meet the world. So my little 6 lb 6 oz baby girl arrived on nov 2nd she was truly beautiful and big fat cheeks which seemed strange cause she wasn’t very big. We named her Ronda Davista. And her middle name- a combination of David and Starla. Ronda was born of a more rare form of spina bifida as hers affected her brain. Decisions needed to be made immediately, send her off for testing or let her die. Within hours of her birth, the medical team whisked her away and i thought i’d never see her alive again. They wouldn’t let me leave the hospital as i had to stay because of the extra cuts they made to save her head.
as we called loved ones, i remember calling my mom and how we cried together on the phone and the next piece i love to tell. My dad was an over the road truck driver, when my mother told him about the birth of their first grandchild and put the throttle into full gear from LA to Dallas where they were living. He picked up my mom and 12 year old sister Searri and got there in record speed. He was WAY over the speed limit, a policeman stopped him and said “so Mr. O’Neil, it looks like you were going way over the speed limit, what seems to be your hurry?” my sweet dad replied “ you see i have my first born grandchild that was just born in Minnesota, and we’re hoping to arrive before she passes away.’ The Policeman hung his head but said please go, but slow down. I’ve never heard of anyone else getting out of a 100 MPH ticket.
The first night in the hospital, all rules were broken for us. They moved us to another room, people brought us flowers, prayers, gifts, and love. And i can see God working looking back now. The sermon was even about that presence of love and it was titled “There was laughing, and there was crying, but mostly there was loving.”
Unexpected thing happened on Nov 4th, she came into my arms my sweet baby girl. The tests at the U of M came back - there was nothing that they could do, and she would pass before the week was over. Infection would set into her brain since she was no longer protected inside the womb. the nurses said- If we could learn to take care of her needs, then on Saturday, we could take her home. So that Saturday, we took her home. the first place i took her, was to her nursery and took a ton of photos. My mom dad and sister arrived that day and someone held her every moment. That evening about 10:55 PM, i decided to go to bed- Aunt Diane and Aunt Searri decided they were on night duty. at 11:05, only 10 minutes after i went to bed while searri held Ronda, she took her last breath. Diane came into the door and said i think Ronda has passed away. she had passed away and i wasn’t even there. i was so struck with grief and guilt and little searri said something “God chose me, he knew it would be too much for your heart to handle.” And i knew she was right, my 12 year old sister knew God chose her. and i had peace knowing that was true.
My house got quiet and despair set in, i needed to spend a lot of time soaking in the tub to heal from the surgery, and one day my sweet mother in law came over and brought me a bible. She told me to start reading from John in the New Testament, i did three times a day every day. He gave Ronda a new perfect life, and gave me a new life here on earth.
Any advice to the women out there in need of healing:
Starla- Always be willing to reach out for help. But time in spent in prayer is what helped me immensely
Shanna— you didn’t say this today, but in the past, you had read and researched after that a lot of children and babies that passed, tended to hold on and wait until the parents wait and leave.
Starla- I’ve definitely read and shared that before, and i guess it helped me to get past but it was still some guilt, but i always held onto that.
Shanna- I know you think about her often, but as a young woman, what was going through your mind
Starla- i was SO excited for her, and i couldn’t wait to be a mommy, and now my dream had come true and so i felt like i had done everything right and that’s why my heart was even more broken
Shanna- Anything else good to come out of it
Starla - i was given the opportunity through the pageant i was involved with, counsel and give back to others. There was a couple that had a baby with the same problem and they had to gone to our church. We went to counsel with them, because we were further along at that point. They didn’t want anything to do with their baby.
Shanna- how did it change or impacted you now and long term?
Starla- My heart has been soft and tender but maybe more so, but as a young woman losing a baby, i wanted to heal.
Shanna- as your daughter, i can see how it changed your life as far as far as morals, decision, etc. talk about that from your perspective
Starla- I became a better mom, i think i became a better listener, and i always wanted to be available which i brought forward and now i want to do that to anyone that reaches out to me. But number one, my kids.
Shanna- it’s a testament to your character, as all these people come to you still.
Starla- i’m almost taken back, these people continue to come to me, and we’re in one another’s life. It’s life being given back.
Shanna- Through that this experience, what’s something you saw after that changed a purpose
Starla- my love and empathy changed, you could step out of yourself and see their situation, whatever the circumstance.
Shanna- how did you use this as hope for women in general?
Starla- I entered the pageant world in 2007, i needed to regain some confidence i’d lost. sometimes we moms lose ourselves. I lost over 50 lbs, i was eating better. The pageant system i was involved in was on platforms, so i began speaking all over the county which was coping with a loss of a child. i had to go around and do all this public speaking, and i wasn’t a public speaker, but that was the most favorite part of the entire pageant, i overcome my fear of public speaking. when i left Minnesota in 2008, went to Texas, it definitely prepared me for that as well.
Shanna- i’m going back to what you said about moms, and losing themselves, i’m not a mom but i think i’ve told you this before, but as a daughter- the moments that stick in my head are ones of you being a woman and not just a woman. where i’d peek around and i’d see you read, and i’d watch you get ready and you valued looking nice and taking care of yourself. women tend to forget about themselves, and i’m thankful for what you did, but as i saw you gain that confidence, i gained even more respect for you as a woman and a mom as you valued that about yourself as well. i loved those moments that are in my head.
Starla- i remember the first time you shared that with me, it touched me so deeply. i wouldn’t change a thing i did, but started to regain that back, i could give back to our daughters.
I know we’ve talked about it’s so important for moms especially with young girls, that they don’t spend a lot of time cutting themselves down, because that’s what the daughter sees. and that’s important to try and keep a positive piece on that.
Shanna- then when we shifted from mom to also friend, and then we could kinda complain about things we didn’t love about ourselves. It instilled such a confidence, i never doubted myself when i was younger either.
Starla- My mom chose my name 60 years ago, and i know that my purpose has always been to be a light. when i was little, i didn’t really care for my name. I started to love my name when i knew my purpose even in middle school to be a light. Even just the other day, a group of new members and i said my name and the one gal said, that’s exactly who you are. And i thought, i’m glad i exude my name. i want to be that light for other people.
Shanna- what’s something you want to leave about your story for the listeners
Starla- i kind of have a message: it was part of what i had when i was In the pageant system, and i’m just going to read it.
i believe that in sharing my own personal story that i can give others hope for a better tomorrow. those who have lost a child have felt a despair that they can’t go on. my goal is to convey that they can find happiness while still honoring the memory of their loved one. There is joy in helping other helping live again in laughing, crying, but mostly loving.
Keep Shining
