Setting Healthy Expectations
Support the Show!- Follow this link
Follow The Shine Podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or IHeartradio
I want to preface this with a few things I stumbled across while digging into the word expectation because there are a lot of people that have opinions on it, and most of them have a connotation of negativity around expecting.
We don’t serve or love with the expectation of receiving back in the same way (especially if it’s someone NOT in our inner circle and we’re doing a good deed.) but in love with our inner circle without some reciprocation over time even if it’s appreciating depletes us and leaves us feeling drained, depleted, and often times leads to not having a standard of respect depending on the level of relationship. So when giving or serving, there’s no need to expect. We should give with a hope of just showing kindness. BUT with our inner circle (significant others, parents, who we consider family even if they’re not blood) recuperation is a must even if it’s not coming back to us in the same way- it’s one way to create a healthy boundary, relationships, and self respect. We cannot continually give with nothing in return. So when I talk about expectations within relationships, I’m talking about within our inner circle, the people we consider family.
It’s an important distinction because expectations with acquaintances or just giving to serve- the open communication is usually not there- they’re not part of your give and take daily and the reason I mention that is because I was told in the past year that knows me very well that I have forced acquaintances in my head to be higher level of friends than is warranted and when they don’t meet my expectations of friendship ideal in my mind- I get hurt by it. This is something that I immediately screenshot and kept. Also it made me cry. We often make people who are or should be acquaintances and make them out to me more in our minds and this is where expectations can lead to being hurt- that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t hold my dear friends to a level of good character, it means I need to choose more wisely the people I give those titles too of my inner circle.
We all have expectations- even if they may be unspoken and sometimes unaware until our feelings our hurt, needs aren’t met, or you find yourself upset or emotional because of something-, most of the time we tend to assume that our partner, friend, parents, kids know the expectations we have at a given time. And that ultimately will just lead to miscommunication and unmet needs in the future.
Now I know it’s not always fun to share what expectations you have for a trip, gifts, words, or your love language to be fulfilled, but the more you are willing to share kindly- the more needs can be met and there’s still plenty of ways to do them as a surprise!
There’s a very easy solution that will help set up for success and I tried it out twice the day I decided to use it. Now, not all weeks, but most I’ll ask my significant other what I can do for them that week to make their week easier/better/ take stress off of them. Being it’s such a broad question, most of the time there isn’t anything specific, but it is something I’ve tried to do to make sure they are heard if there’s something I can do to alleviate weekly happenings. We also make sure to chat ahead about meals we’re serving (we live an hour away, so we decide if we’re cooking or going out) and what we’re making. It’s super easy but it’s an expectation in case one partner really would like a dinner out or something they’re not feeling.
Anyway, I tried asking about expectations for the holidays and trips coming up- I immediately texted my mom and asked her what expectations and hopes she had while we were visiting her, and I meant it. I want to make sure that she feels happy and that her expectations of a Christmas together were met. She didn’t have much, but she asked me and I told her my expectations (mine were more adding in adventures, seeing lights, and what I would like Christmas morning considering it’s Matt and my’s first Christmas.) it was things we could do together and also I could do for her- letting her know that we wanted to cook for them too and help with the holidays when possible. It opened up activities and is paving a way so that there aren’t let downs during a vacation between us.
I then have been asking that of Matt too- what his expectations are for a vacation- and what he’d like to make sure to do.
It’s really very simple solution to daily/weekly/and also big events so that every one can feel heard and if there’s something important to an individual it’s met.
Often times, we might have an idea (our own idea) of what’s important for said week or trip but if we don’t listen and open the communication to the other people involved, it can lead to someone being let down unintentionally and we often feel we don’t want to tell them what we want, OR shouldn’t have to. It also opens up for what’s realistic in a vacation- if we had too many things planned or weren’t realistic on time we have to do it all.
If the first reason we don’t communicate our Needs is because we don’t want to seem needy, that’s why I open about the OTHER person’s expectations before I express mine. It allows them to speak so I listen before I expect them to listen to what’s important to me. Without it, something so simple we can all do- even in a TEXT there’s a disconnect about activities, work load, relaxation.
If you feel the latter that you shouldn’t HAVE to tell the other person- it reminds me of the series from Mark Gungor for marriages called “ laugh your way to a better marriage” where part of the segment talks about how sometimes women (usually women not men) assume their partner should just do it. But there’s no way for their partner to know. If you’re not willing to express your expectations in a clear, kind manner, you can’t possibly think your partner will understand especially with how differently we all communicate. I know in some magical fairy land we just want our partners to know what we want and how they can help- but if we learn to just communicate- it’ll be a much healthier way to navigate through expectations.
Things can still be a surprise- but an example of this for me personally is for my birthday- I decided this year that I wanted an adventure over a big gift- He let me decide which. I said, I don’t need a big present then, but something that really makes me feel cared about is a letter/card with something thoughtful to open the day of. It doesn’t have to be 18 pages but it’s something I’d really appreciate. It’s something why would he possibly think something like that would be important without me telling him? and some people may think that’s ridiculous to ask for, but I know what makes me feel cared about and important and even if I have a letter to open, I feel heard. And he did, and he gave it to me on a different date- it was still a surprise and what he wrote was DEFINTELY a surprise.
Then there are people in my past that have said to me to never have expectations. There’s some truth to parts of that IF it’s from people who are not good for your life OR you have not let them know what’s important in a scenario. I couldn’t possibly be mad if I didn’t receive a letter if I had never mentioned it in the first place.
And I try not to have expectations of people who aren’t going to be forever (or at least long lasting) in my life. Yes I make mistakes in this too and get let down, but having reasonable expectations of people in your life is good and healthy- as long as you’re giving too- it’s all about giving and receiving. Sometimes we’ll give more in life and sometimes we’ll be more receptive to receiving- but to have none on of those sides in a relationship- is eventually detrimental to the relationship. Clarifying this isn’t just gifts. It’s service, words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, and touch.
Just like- I expect my significant other to give back, care, and make us a priority (not the only p
riority but still A priority) it’s the one sided expectations that get you in trouble.
Because when I read words like “if you expect nothing from anybody, you’re never disappointed.” It’s pretty angry and let’s me know there is some healing to be done and discernment about whom we’re giving to.
There’s a difference in not taking offense to clients who choose someone else, an acquaintance that let’s you down, than the people you could call in the circle of trust. They have to earn that spot.
Back to serving especially those who aren’t in our inner circle. We don’t serve with expectation of receiving back the same- think of donating whether that’s our time, energy, or money but I will point out that loving and serving without appreciation reciprocated for too long just brings us to a drained and exhausted state. Love between (all love not just partners) should be expected to reciprocate even if it’s with appreciation.
It’s something I hear a lot when I talk to people about relationships- how often have you heard “I give and I give and I give” and they feel their needs have not been met. This could be a true fact that it’s not being appreciated and reciprocated, or a lack of communication in how their needs feel met in said relationship.
So before going over to your significant other and telling them how YOU needs aren’t being met- which is not the point by the way- start by asking how you can help their needs being met this week, upcoming vacation, or an expectation they even have to do for their weekend. And then start to ask those questions to other people who are in your inner circle to help communication build and expectations be seen as something positive in a way we can impact the loved ones around us.
As if that wasn’t enough-Now let’s talk about expectations in yourself. A lot of times we are our biggest critics, the conversations we have about our bodies, what we’re doing, our decisions, it’s never enough. But I’m reminded that there’s nothing in nature that blooms all year long, and we can’t think we should either. Easier said than done- I know There will be times where we give more and times where we receive more. I fully believe in continuing to better ourselves for our health, wisdom, knowledge, and for progress in life- but there are days where it’s acceptable to have expectations be just the needs to be done for the day and that’s enough. Effort is expected from myself but perfection is never the goal.
A way I implement this personally is to start each week by writing down 5 things a day I need to get done (okay I realize some days there are more.) but write down what needs to get done, try to keep the list down to about five and if you have the energy-do more. Whether it’s grocery shop, workout, work, read, errrands- and fill out a weekly calendar. You won’t always hit 5 and some days you’ll get way more but it’s a super useful way for 1- to get organized of course 2- to see progress yes but also to give myself a break. 3 if I got the things that needed to get done with deadlines, I can have healthy expectations of what I’m able to do and I even make sure my daily list includes things for myself liking reading. It’s important for my spark of creativity for podcasts like this one reading about expectations, it heals, it softens, and it helps with progress. Those things matter and when you have days you simply can’t fit in it, big deal- over time- you’ll see all the days you were able to and sometimes life just gets in the way but you still accomplished what was needed to get done to move the needle.
Expectations are healthy in all parts of life as long as they’re set in boundaries, set up for the right people in your life and give some grace for mistakes and set backs. Having no expectations often leads to us getting hurt and feeling our plate is always full until we have the conversation of what’s on someone else’s plate too. It allows us to communicate our needs and the people we care about to BETTER give to them with what they need not just what we think they need and vice versa. The time to be careful with expectations are simply with people who aren’t in your inner circle, give to them with a joyful heart with needing nothing in return- but as for your inner circle- open the communication of how to grow to better serve in a way they need.
And as always keep Shining
