Having Patience with Yourself

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Patience with myself

If you’ve known me for a while- you may know one of my downfalls is my lack of patience, and yes I do realize praying for patience probably isn’t going to happen- because it’ll just allow me the opportunities to be patient, and well- that certainly hasn’t helped me be patient in my 34 years. But I have noticed that being with the man I’m with- patience with him- came easy.

Suddenly a lot of my hurry- habits could wait a few more moments, my anxiousness though didn’t stop, slowed with him, and my peace increased.

But through the years of forgiving others, myself, growth, and working on myself- I didn’t realize until it was brought to my attention very lovingly that the thing I struggle with the most when it comes to patience, it having patience with myself. Writing those words already brought some tears to my eyes. It reminds me of the moment I realized I had forgiven every person that had wronged me with no anger left just peace but I hadn’t yet forgiven myself for wrong doings, or allowing the behavior in my life from the people around me, and it broke me for some time thinking I had done all this inner work, important working on forgiving others- work to not be hurt or hold grudges, to move on and then I sat alone in my thoughts that the only person I hadn’t gotten around to forgiving was.. me.

We’ve all heard it said that we’re out toughest critics but I hadn’t even REALIZED that I hadn’t forgiven myself and that hit me like a ton of bricks. Last year, I started to say the words that I forgive myself for allowing people’s behavior in my life that didn’t deserve it, that I forgive myself for sticking around when I KNEW I should’ve left, for the mistakes that I had done intentionally or not that hurt other people, and the courage to tell myself that I’m still learning and growing and what I had done, I could forgive myself for too-

and I had to if I really wanted to continue healing. Although, healing isn’t ever done- every time there’s a bit healed, there’s something to discover, but that’s the beauty of progress, it makes room to discover the things in my heart I didn’t even know were hiding beyond another healed space.

So, the same went for patience. I have the absolute sweetest boyfriend on the planet who truly makes me a better woman just by being himself. I’ve never felt such love, respect and kindness so when we were chatting recently about my crying break down on the mountain while snowboarding for the first time ever and how even though I DID keep going and didn’t quit— what he asked in the most tender way, brought me back to the same feeling when I realized I hadn’t forgiven myself- he said he’d really like to see me be more patient with myself. I listened, I didn’t fight it or argue- he was right. The person I was least patient with.. is myself.

I’ve always had reasons, I Never wanted to be the person someone was waiting on whether it was to be late, a movie, a friend, a set time that was agreed upon, or even making someone wait .5 seconds for me while I grabbed bags off a plane.

I don’t want to be the reason an inconvenience- but in doing so- I’ve put so much pressure and stress on such simple things, that it has made me extremely impatient with myself in every aspect. I’ve been really juggling with these thoughts, and I usually don’t speak about them until I’m working on it with progress more diligently but this has been on my heart since that conversation.

I’m so lucky to have someone express in a loving way things he’d love to see for me- with no judgement or harshness in the tone- but who sees me struggling and knows it’s doing more harm than good for myself. And it wasn’t an ask for him, but for me- something I couldn’t recognize because I was too close to the problem.

I didn’t quit that day on the mountain, but I did cry. Not bawling cry, but I was so frustrated with my lack of improvement (might be silly in just a few hours…) and I didn’t want to disappoint the man that was so excited for our adventure together, that when I couldn’t do it the way I had put pressure on myself too- I grew impatient FAR too quickly. I made it down (not a bunny hill promise) just the one time that day. He was patient with me the whole time as I sat on that mountain, telling me I’m going to make it and I was going to feel good that I did. Also this is embarrassing still for me- but it happened.

The second day, we didn’t talk much about the first yet- and we both communicated differently- I improved a ton. Also no tears, thank goodness. I actually felt like I could pick up a little speed and move more easily. I still have SO much to learn, but I felt like a different person that second day as I picked up and tried again. I went down a few times and through my fear of doing terribly, I felt better and that I could improve.

I don’t think having a bad day with tears is a bad thing, especially because I didn’t quit- I needed some things worked out, and maybe needed that time- and I came back the next day so much better than the first- but it wasn’t until those days settled, and we chatted about those two days snowboarding, that he brought up patience with myself.

So through my not extremely deep but definitely brought me to light story-

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I hope that you can find not only the understanding within yourself about forgiving yourself and being patient with yourself- as I have a long way to go to attainting patience for myself-

but also people who so care and see you that they can gently encourage you to love yourself more- the things we can’t see in ourselves can be exposed in an outpouring of love and remind you-

We need to forgive ourselves, we need to learn patience with ourselves, we’re deserving of that as we do that for others- and healing those things will only bring peace and calmness to our hearts.

And as always: Keep Shining