I was hurting and constantly upset I don’t mean the once in a while or caused by ever changing hormones, I mean my life was stuck in this seemingly never ending darkness and I couldn't get out. If you know me, you know i’m optimistic. I mean hell, even through immense pain I could see that I could use it in the future for good. I could always stand tall and get through whatever crap.. forget it i’m swearing ..shitstorm headed my way. and believe me, I had a lot of those the last few years. i’m pretty sure I lost very important inches in my height because of how stressed I was. I got to my lowest point.. no not depression and the lack of showers I took for months on end, and no not anxiety that would cause my to have to pull over because I couldn’t breathe. I got to the point where I said to a close friend..”I don't think it’ll ever get better.” and for me, that was the lowest I could get. Because my whole character seemed to be shifting and my beliefs. I couldn’t see my hard work and persistence paying off (even though for once I was being patient and continuing) I continued on through those words, tears daily, darkness and lack of optimism. Lack of self-confidence, and slowly getting worse. I can’t say exactly what changed it. I think it was a multitude of things working together. I kept working hard in my business, I kept reading and journaling to lift me up even for a second, I went to the gym (not as much but I went) I tried feeding my body healthy food with the occasional chips because… happiness, I talked with a few close friends and of course my mom daily who are constants in my life, and maybe it was finally getting through some of the toxic parts where I could see a bit of sunshine again.
i’m telling you this with a very specific purpose. I write about women and self love, how to get healthy, and self care. I speak it with intention because i’ve been on the other side. More than most people even would care to hear about my entire life (movie-worthy or as a counselor once told me.. a reality show) story. As things keep coming my way, i’m finally to a place again where I think “well damn, I guess I can use this in the future too as an experience to connect with women.” I don’t mean to skip past the hard parts just to encourage you to keep going. Those hard parts in life SUCK and I know exactly how it feels to think it’s going to last forever. But I tell you to keep going because it’s the only way to see the sunshine again. It might take a few years, and I know hearing that sucks too. But you have the strength to get through it… but just don’t do it alone. I’m not going to give you the ol “it’ll get better” speech completely, because sometimes we just need to be acknowledged that sometimes things aren’t going your way. but if you can see a few peeks of the sunshine here and there, it’ll keep you going. That’s why I push to find people you trust, to seek out a counselor, to read and journal, and to exercise. Those are the things from not only my experience but that have been proven by studies to help healthy minds and bodies. There’s no reason to try on your own. Absolutely let yourself be sad, allow yourself to feel, but then reach out and slowly start your way to a path that eventually you can see some light. Maybe not today. Maybe today you eat a donut and take a bath. But the only way to recover is to act. And honestly, that sucks sometimes too. But if I know anything, it’s that after the days where you allow yourself to have a pity party, you need the rising up, strength filled, overcoming days and those have to be fought for. And you can do that, I have no doubt.
“We may encounter many defeats” that take us down and hold us back, “but we must not be defeated.”
***extra points to those who know my title reference to a little band called Relient K. It’s a song. and maybe it’ll encourage you too.”For the moments I feel faint.”